That moment you realize there is a small, slimy, hopping creature in your living room while boisterous ‘at a boys and high fives are heard in the background–that’s when you know. As you attempt yet again to remove the permanent ring of mud stained on the bottom of the tub, it’s confirmed even more. And when you find yourself sporadically shouting obscure statements such as, “Stop sitting on your brother’s head!” “Get your hands out of your pants!” or “Pull your pants up! We don’t pee on the playground equipment!” the ultimate confirmation comes. You are a mom of boys. We really should have our own special club–a padded room with white walls and comforting hug-myself restraints included. In my time as a mom of little boys, I have learned a thing or two that could be very beneficial information for newbies in “the club.” Here’s what you need to know when you receive the title mom of boys.
- Your bathroom will never smell the same again. If you pride yourself in a clean and sweet-smelling home, you can kiss those days goodbye. No matter how hard you scrub and how rich the Lysol corporation grows because of you, the stench of urine will haunt you. But on the bright side, your boys will nurture their creativity as they play firefighters with their mini man hoses, putting out “fires” all over your bathroom walls. Who needs an actual smoke alarm when you have these guys around?
- You’ll say things you never imagined you would ever need to say. “You pee with that. You don’t play with it!” “Yes, you have to wear pants.” “No, you may not shoot the kitten into your basketball hoop.” “Why is there poop on your hands?”
- You’ll never have to waste all those precious hours completing Pinterest furniture projects again because your very helpful and artistic boys will do all the work for you. You want that brand new cherry wood end table to be antiqued? Don’t worry about it. Your son has mini tools of destruction for that. You want a bit of a worn look on your kitchen table? He’ll take care of that, too, with his handy metal fork. You’ll even be serenated by sweet sounds replicating the scratching of nails across a chalkboard at the same time. Fantastic.
- You’ll have your own regimented built-in workout program. You know, as you race across your yard, jumping hurdles of cars and trucks in order to prevent your son from inhaling a worm he discovered at his dig site. Again. Or as you scale the living room furniture to prevent your little adventurer from breaking his arm as he dives head first off of the back of the couch. Again.
- You’ll be on a first name basis with the receptionist at the pediatrician’s office and the ER. It’s always nice to exchange recipes while blood pours from your son’s gaping wound which will need to be stitched up for the third time. That day.
- You’ll never have to sit alone in utter silence again. Nope. No worrying about that awful state of existence. You’ll have plenty of ear-deafening hollers and gassy sounds to last a lifetime.
- You’ll learn that boogers are a food group all on their own. All those pointless hours you’ve spent slaving over the stove can be cut in half because of this newfound protein. Score!
I know, I know. You didn’t realize that all of your dreams would come true when you birthed that little ball of energy, did you? But honestly, life would be so boring without those mischievous little legs scouring your home. So stop fighting the inevitable and instead embrace the insanity of raising boys. There truly is nothing like it!