Written by: Suzanne Hines
Even before becoming a Mom, I was a Christian. I grew up as a missionary kid in a Christian home and made my faith my own at a young age.
Then, I became a Mom…and everything changed. Motherhood made me more like Christ—it was sanctifying. I understood even more about what love was and saw beauty in a whole new way. Plus, my sins and selfishness became so much more obvious.
But the biggest revelation that becoming a mother revealed in me was that I had fears and struggles and a constant searching for control.
I became a mother in August of 2014. It was my dream come true… except it didn’t feel like a dream. Sleep deprivation and the “culture shock” of motherhood threw me for a loop, and it took me a while to adjust. The hardest adjustment for me was the loneliness that I felt being a stay-at-home mom with a completely new role. I finally got past the newborn stage and started to fall more and more in love with motherhood and my sweet daughter, Tera. All of those struggles and deep joys led me to a daily relationship with the Lord, and I found myself relying on Him more and more, especially in those moments of crying out, “WHY AM I ALL ALONE?”
When Tera was 13 months old, we added to our family through foster care. Little Miss came to us in September of 2015, and everything I thought I had mastered about motherhood went out the window. For four months, Little Miss went through severe withdrawal, and we worked through bonding and attachment. Little Miss lived with us for nine months before she was moved out of state to be adopted by her relatives.
Even though we knew it was coming, we were devastated. For those nine long months, we had prayed that the Lord’s will would be done in the situation. We knew that she would be going to a good home, but we also wanted to scream and pound our fists and remind everyone involved that we also had a great home for her. The grief I went through after losing Little Miss surprised me. I knew I would be upset and sad, and I knew I would miss her with all my heart. But I soon learned that losing Little Miss revealed even more in my heart about that need for control. I started to struggle with leaving Tera with other people because I was afraid I would lose her, too. I started to wonder what could happen with my precious expected son, Kiah. I began to live in fear of what could happen in my life to cause more devastation. You see…I knew that God was sovereign. I knew that He had a plan for Little Miss, and that plan meant that she would no longer live with us. But that didn’t make it any easier to accept in the moment. I started to fear that God would ask me to give up something else very important in my life.
And things did start to happen. Our well collapsed, leaving us without water for three weeks and a bill to the tune of 12k. My husband got very sick just two weeks before I was due. My son Kiah was born, and at two weeks old he had not gained any weight and was labeled failure to thrive. I was terrified… terrified of losing someone or something that I loved so much.
That’s when I finally realized what God had been trying to teach me all along: I have NO control. I have no control. I have no control.
If you are anything like me, realizing this strikes with total fear. Having no control means that anything could happen to me! Having no control means that bad things can happen. Having no control means that no matter how hard I try, I could still fail. Any other type A mamas out there feel so incredibly uncomfortable right now?
Then one morning as I was attempting to pray and make sense of this control issue, it struck me. I think it was right around the time I was trying to bargain with God. You know, Lord…if you give me control over my family’s health, then I will…”
Instead, the Lord whispered to me: YOU HAVE NO CONTROL.
I know! I wanted to wail. That’s the problem.
But it hit me. Having no control means that He is in control of my life and that HE is the one making all the decisions for me. Having no control means that I don’t have to worry about my children or my husband. At all. I don’t even have to take that responsibility. Having no control means that no matter how hard I try, it’s not up to me.
Instead, it’s up to the One who created the universe. It’s up to the One who sent his Son from heaven to die for my redemption… and the redemption of my children, if they choose him. It’s up to the One who knows how many stars are in the sky and Who keeps the earth in motion. It’s up to the One who not only is master of the entire universe but also cares about the tiniest details of our lives. It’s up to the One who has made his throne room available to me at all hours of the day and night, even though He is powerful enough to make the ocean waves bow down and the mountains quake. The mountains, guys! Just think about that! He loves us, and He gives us such good gifts. We do not need to fear.
I haven’t overcome it all, and I know that I still have so much to learn. We will take in more foster kids and saying goodbye to them will break my heart…again. My kids will get sick, and I will worry about them.
But over and over again, I can come back to this truth: I don’t have to worry about taking control because He’s got it.
Suzanne is wife to a first responder, mom to Tera and Hezekiah, and foster mom to the children that God has chosen for her home. Suzanne blogs at The Glorious Mundane. Suzanne is passionate about life, laughing at all the adventures along the way. She enjoys running, being outside, and encouraging authentic and honest community among women. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram.