Written by Ally Ferguson
When you become a mom, one of the first things you realize is how incredible motherhood really is. The feeling of becoming a mom can’t be put into words; it can only be felt. It’s truly amazing. One lesson you learn quickly afterwards is how demanding being a mom can be. At times, your life can feel like it’s no longer yours. Your day is formed around caring for your children and has little to do with your agenda and to-do list. It doesn’t take long to realize that making time for yourself isn’t easy to do. And whenever motherhood collides with a rough season of life, it can seem like you’re drowning.
That’s how I felt when my journey with anxiety began.
When my daughter was six-months-old I began having panic attacks daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I had no idea what was happening because I had never experienced these before. I called my doctor and got medicine, and it helped a little. But as my daughter approached her first birthday, I still wasn’t completely better; so, I took a big step of faith and went to see a counselor. This is where everything got turned upside down.
I had a lot of built up emotional trauma from growing up in a very unstable environment. The dynamics of my family were far from healthy, and I had bottled up all that trauma. It all came out when my daughter was born. I went in looking for help with postpartum anxiety and quickly learned it wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought. I had years of trauma and abuse to heal from, and that healing wasn’t going to happen overnight.
I felt defeated before the journey even began. The biggest question on my mind was, how can I be a mom while going through this? How can I mother my children well when there is a little girl falling apart inside of me every day? There were days I didn’t want to leave the house, days where I’d find myself mourning the childhood I lost, days where I struggled within to allow myself to heal… and then mothering on top of it all. It just seemed impossible.
But God chose this time. He could have brought all this past trauma to the surface when I got married, but He didn’t. He could have brought all this to the surface in college, but He didn’t. For whatever reason, right now, in the midst of mothering, is when He chose to allow my healing journey to begin. To be honest, I questioned His timing. I felt like I was drowning. I felt like there was no way I could do this.
But that was just it… I couldn’t. God wanted me to know that I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do motherhood without Him. He wanted me to learn more about Him and the way He loves me because He knew it would make me a better mother. He knew that freedom for the little girl who grew up in an unstable family would create a better family for my children. Most importantly, He knew that right here in the middle of this journey, in the middle of motherhood, I would learn to depend on Him in ways I had never before.
It’s hard to face a storm in life while navigating the roads of motherhood. It’s hard to face a personal battle when there are little ones before you that need you to care for them. I know. I’ve done it for the last year. And while I would never ask for it to happen again, I wouldn’t take it away either. The way God has used this time in my life to show me about the true love of a parent has made me a better mother. There is so much freedom that comes when we embrace the storm and use it to propel us deeper with Christ and to what He is teaching us.
So let’s embrace it together.
Ally is a ministry wife and work-at-home mom whose truest passion is to encourage, inspire, and be a friend to women as they journey through life. Ally runs a motherhood and lifestyle blog called “You Are More” where you can often find stories about motherhood, marriage, faith, and this crazy thing called life. She knows all too well how easy it is for women to lose themselves in the roles they play. She created You Are More blog to remind women they are more than the roles they play. Journey along with her at You Are More Blog and follow her on Instagram to discover just how beautiful this crazy life can be.